MOOD: Christmas Day, 1993. That brand new, brown leather Bomber Jacket wrapped under the tree was calling my name. I had serious plans for me and that jacket. We were going to take January by storm, strut our stuff through those Middle School doors and conquer the world of cool. That beautiful, brand name jacket with the world map sewn into the silky lining was going to catapult me into Middle School superstardom. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I tore open the box, held it in front of me to revel in it’s glory and then I noticed. It was not THE Bomber jacket I had been dreaming of. Not THE brand name jacket that only the coolest kids had. It was… THE GENERIC VERSION?! No map on a silky lining, no real leather. Just faux suede and a very plain, polyester lining generously given by well-intentioned parents. My 13 year-old dreams were crushed in one melodramatic moment.
My January, 2018 feels like a big, generic Bomber jacket. Overdramatic, superficial and not what I had hoped for. Irrational teenage angst aside, in my grown-up world I have a fantastic life and I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I am the proud owner of several jackets and love the life I have. But despite its abundance, I can’t help but dream of making improvements. I’ve always been a big fan of that whole “New Year, New Me” thing and I look forward to January and a fresh start each year. There is something so exhilarating about designing the life of your dreams and working to make it a reality. The life of my current dreams does NOT include any of this back injury BS. I’ve been dying to get back to my former lifestyle and to start moving forward in the direction I’ve always gone and believe is best for me. So I decided that in the last few months of 2017 I would rest, take it easy through the Holidays, enjoy the heck out of the remaining moments of my “Wine and Comfort Food For Healing” diet and then hit the ground running after the tree came down. I would sign up for some crazy intense Boot Camp or 30 day Challenge and blow my newest 10 lbs out of the water. I’d build up strength and get back into my old, sweaty power yoga routine, kick some serious ass and get on with becoming a much improved version of who I’ve always wanted to be. But despite my dreams and the expectations I have for myself, I think the Universe has other plans. This back issue won’t stop rearing its ugly head and I have a feeling this pattern of easing into my old physical activity, causing myself pain and following that up with weeks of healing appears to be my new normal. NOT what I had planned for this year. NOT what I desperately want for my life. Definitely NOT what’s going to take me down a path to superstardom, or at least my current definition of it.
I know there is a lesson in all of this of course. I’m fairly certain that until I’m able to free myself from the notion that I know best and that life should look exactly as I want it to be, I’m destined for disappointment and the companionship of my sullen, teenage self. So I will look to yoga, my tried and true friend, for guidance. Maybe not the sweaty, all out physical practice I’ve known in the past, but a new practice. One based on love and compassion for my body over power and intensity. One designed for the body I currently have, not for the body I think I need. I will work to embrace my new reality with an open mind rather than fight it with old patterns and behavior. Yoga, regardless of style, encourages us to practice letting go of the expectations we have for our bodies, what we should or should’t be capable of doing and to accept and nurture the reality of what’s actually in front of us. Through yoga we allow ourselves time to find the stillness and the quiet we need to listen closely to the wisdom our bodies can reveal. We learn to challenge the ego and begin each practice with an open mind so that we may create space for whatever needs to be or is meant to become. Not necessarily what is wanted or what was assumed. I will use yoga to practice moving slowly but surely through the present moment. I will remember that some of my favorite practices have been on days when I felt miserable, hopeless or injured; believing I would be better off staying in bed only to leave feeling replenished and pleasantly surprised.
In hindsight, I’m convinced that beautiful, brand name jacket with the map on the lining would have taken me down a disastrous path of extreme “coolness” instead of the safe and steady road that brought me here today. So I will wear this generic, January jacket and practice trusting in the direction it’s taking me and learn the lessons it brings with it. I will work to embrace the idea that what I want or expect of myself isn’t necessarily what is meant to be. I’m not yet sure where this jacket will take me but I’m confident it’s where I’m supposed to be.
“Expectation feeds frustration as it’s simply an illusive form of control by attempting to grip the reins that aren’t ours to hold. Breathe. Release. Let go. Allow your life naturally, quietly unfold.” – Victoria Ericsson
Namaste,
Lara
Namaste Off The Mat 