I had one of those magical yoga experiences the other day. The class where all the stars align and you leave floating on a cloud of yoga bliss. The music moved me, the flow was like a beautifully choreographed dance and the theme hit me hard right where I needed it. Like one of those church sermons you could swear was written just for you. This feeling is my jam. My ultimate happy place. I’m on a never-ending quest for it and want to live there always. Basking in the joy, positivity, and comfort.
A few days later I returned craving another magical moment. But that isn’t always what I’m given. Instead, there she was – the dreaded hot girl. She looked like Yoga Barbie. Long, beautiful blonde locks tied up in a messy braid like it was on purpose, a shiny headband to accentuate the Lulu sports bra revealing her twenty-something abs of steel. I’ve known many of these girls over my yoga years. She proceeded to roll out her mat right in front of me of course. Not directly in front as to block my view, but just to the left so I could have the opportunity to gaze at her exquisiteness and flawless practice in the mirror for one whole excruciating hour. Disrupting my yoga bliss and redirecting my focus towards my imperfections. Prompting me to get all the feels from my insecurities while sweating my ass off and cursing chair pose. This class is usually my nemesis. And fortunately, yes I said fortunately, more often than not my classes turn out to be like this one in some way; uncomfortable.
Discomfort – we avoid it like the plague and it’s the reason so many of us avoid giving this life-changing practice and so many other things a try. Instead, preferring to stay far, far away from anything that challenges us and exposes us to what we need to work on or provides some opportunity for growth. Most of us prefer to stay wrapped up in a cozy blanket right where we are. In the familiar and safe avoiding pain or anything that may challenge us. They say the true practice of yoga is learning how to embrace your discomfort, breath through it and enjoy the reward on the other side. That crap is so much easier said than done isn’t it?!
I’ve been no stranger to discomfort lately. In fact, I’d say I’ve been wallowing in it. Over the past few years I’ve been diagnosed with Autonomic Neuropathy, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, reactivating Epstein Barr Virus and to put the icing on the cake, Spondylolisthesis (which I can now accurately pronounce). In short, a bunch of big words with a host of miscellaneous and mystery symptoms that are not debilitating, but put a damper on the way I’d prefer to experience life. Invisible to the rest of the world but front and center for me. I’m not writing about this for sympathy in any way. I know there are so many others out there struggling with far greater woes and challenges in life, but it’s been MY challenge and it’s a heaping pile of poop. But who ever decided life was supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies anyway? Who made us beleive we should do everything we can to live in the happy place and avoid the poop? Dierks Bentley preaches that “Half your life you struggle, half your life you fly.” You’ll never learn to fly without hard work and the pain of falling down. Who’s to say which is more rewarding?
After several years of basking in all my discomfort and trying unsuccessfully to avoid it by running to the safety of Orin Swift wines, late night snacks and my new favorite – naps, I feel like I’m beginning to come up for air. A little therapy and more personal development courses than I can recall may have something to do with it. I believe I was meant to experience all of this. I’m pretty confident that my body started a rebellion to bring my attention to a matter I’ve long been trying to ignore. The dysfunctional relationship I have with body image. I’ve always tried to control the way mine looks, the way it works or doesn’t and believed it meant success or failure. I guess my body had enough of my bullshit and decided to throw up a flag. Or 4. I’ve struggled with this beast as long as I can remember as so many of us do. I needed pain to learn to navigate the uncomfortable reality of my body’s needs and limitations. To finally pay attention to the inside, not just the outside. To wade through all the muck that’s stopped me from living to my full potential and realize I’m worth so much more. To practice being kind to the body I’ve been given and appreciate its true beauty. I had to change focus and direction in order to see the possibilities in a new chapter of life.
Last weekend my husband and I took a quick trip to sit next to a pool in Arizona for a few days. I’d been to this place a few times before, the first being just before my body launched its uprising. Although I now have a different body than I did then, both inside and out, I felt more comfortable and free than I ever have before. I sat more confident this time in my tankini than I did before in a bikini, appreciating what I’ve been through and where I have come to be. And I realized that lessons learned from the hot girl in class are just as important as floating on a cloud of yoga bliss. We should work to embrace and accept them both. So stop running from the discomfort and allow yourself to feel it. Although I’m still a work in progress, lately I see that the body in the mirror next to hers is just as beautiful in its own way. So I say thank you to all crap that has caused me pain. I have grown.
“Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.” – Byron Katie
Namaste,
Lara
Namaste Off The Mat 